Grief is one of the most complex and deeply personal experiences we go through in life. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or any other significant loss, the journey of grief is unlike any other. Many people believe that once they begin grieving, there’s a clear path forward, one that leads them from pain to peace, from sadness to acceptance. However, the reality is much different. Grief is not a linear path; it’s a winding road, full of unexpected twists and turns, ups and downs, and moments that can feel as though you’re moving backward instead of forward.
As a grief counsellor, I’ve had the privilege of supporting individuals as they navigate this journey. And through this experience, I’ve learned one vital truth: healing from grief doesn’t happen in a straight line. It’s messy, it’s unpredictable, and it often feels like a rollercoaster of emotions. But that doesn’t mean you’re not healing. In fact, it’s often through embracing the ups and downs of grief that we truly begin to heal.
Grief Is Not a Timeline
One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a clear, step-by-step timeline. We’ve all heard phrases like “time heals all wounds,” or “you should be over it by now.” These well-meaning sentiments, though often intended to offer comfort, can inadvertently create pressure and guilt.
The truth is, grief has no set timetable. There is no official “end date” when it’s acceptable to stop grieving. And just because you’re not grieving in the way you think you should doesn’t mean that you’re not healing. Everyone’s grief journey is unique, and it’s shaped by a multitude of factors, your relationship with the person you lost, your personal coping mechanisms, your circumstances, and even your life experiences before the loss.
Sometimes, you might feel like you’re taking a step forward, maybe you’re able to get out of bed more easily, or you’re starting to find moments of peace. But then, out of nowhere, a wave of sadness hits. You might find yourself crying in the middle of the day, or remembering something you’d forgotten about your loved one. This doesn’t mean you’ve taken a step backward. It simply means that grief is not a straight line. It’s full of both progress and setbacks, both joy and sorrow.
Embracing the Rollercoaster of Emotions
Grief is often described as a rollercoaster, and for good reason. The emotional highs and lows can be intense and disorienting. One moment, you might feel a sense of relief or even happiness, only to be blindsided by deep sadness the next. This constant shift in emotions can feel confusing and unsettling, especially when it feels like you’re not in control of them.
What many people don’t realize is that these emotional ups and downs are a normal part of the grief process. There is no one “right” way to grieve, and there is no universal timeline for moving through grief. Some days, you might feel like you’re doing okay, and other days, you might feel completely overwhelmed by sadness or anger.
It’s important to understand that grief is not a problem to be fixed. It’s a process to be lived. By allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions arise, without judgment or expectation, you give yourself the permission to heal in your own way, on your own terms. Trying to push away or avoid your grief can only make it more difficult to navigate in the long run.
The Stages of Grief: A Framework, Not a Formula
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, are often cited as a guide to understanding the grieving process. While these stages can provide a helpful framework for understanding the emotional experience of grief, they can also be misleading if we think of them as a formula. Grief doesn’t follow a set order, and you might not experience all of these stages at all, or you might experience them in a different order or at different times.
The key takeaway from the concept of stages is this: grief is a complex, layered process. You might experience sadness and anger at the same time, or you might revisit an emotion weeks or months after the loss. It’s not about checking off boxes but about accepting that grief can be chaotic, non-linear, and unpredictable.
Grief Can Be Unpredictable
When you’re in the midst of grief, it can feel like the ground is constantly shifting beneath your feet. You might think you’ve come to terms with a part of your grief, only for something to trigger a fresh wave of sorrow or pain. The unpredictability of grief can feel unsettling, but it also means that you are truly processing and engaging with your emotions.
Unexpected moments of grief are not signs of weakness or regression. They’re simply a part of the human experience. A song, a scent, a place, anything can bring the memory of your loved one rushing back in, and the emotion that follows can feel just as intense as it did in the beginning. These moments of sorrow don’t erase the progress you’ve made; they are simply a part of the ebb and flow of grief.
In the same way, you might also experience moments of joy, laughter, and connection. These moments don’t mean that you’ve “moved on,” nor should they make you feel guilty. Grief doesn’t have to be all-consuming. It can coexist with happiness, and it’s important to allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions that come with it. Healing doesn’t mean you stop feeling grief, it means that you start learning how to live with it, how to integrate it into your life in a way that allows for both sorrow and joy.
Coping with the Ups and Downs
If grief is not a linear path, how do we cope with the ups and downs? How do we navigate the unpredictable nature of grief without feeling overwhelmed or lost?
1. Allow yourself to feel: Grief is an emotional experience, and it’s vital to let yourself feel whatever comes up. Don’t suppress or judge your emotions, whether they’re sadness, anger, confusion, or even moments of happiness.
2. Reach out for support: It’s easy to feel isolated during grief, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Lean on your loved ones, seek out a support group, or speak with a grief counselor. Sharing your feelings can help you process them and feel less alone in your experience.
3. Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that healing takes time, and that you’re allowed to have good days and bad days. Don’t pressure yourself to “move on” or “get over it” in a set time. Instead, focus on giving yourself the space and care you need to heal at your own pace.
4. Honor your loved one: Find ways to honor the memory of the person or thing you’ve lost. This could be through rituals, creating a memorial, or simply remembering them in quiet moments. Holding onto the love you shared can provide comfort during the most difficult days.
Finding Peace Amidst the Chaos
Grief may not be a straight path, but it is a journey. While there will be moments of deep sorrow, there can also be moments of peace, of laughter, of remembering what was good and beautiful about the relationship or experience you’ve lost.
Embracing the unpredictability of grief is part of learning how to heal. The ups and downs, the emotional rollercoaster, are all part of the process. By allowing yourself to experience grief without trying to control it, you give yourself the space to heal in a way that honors your unique experience.
Remember, you are not alone. Grief is a shared human experience, and though the path may not be linear, it is a path that leads toward healing, growth, and ultimately, a deeper understanding of love and loss.
ebook recommendation
Healing from grief is not about moving in a straight line, and my "How to Grieve" Workbook is designed with that in mind. It helps you honor your grief, giving you the permission to feel all the emotions that come with it, without the pressure to "move on" or "get over it." You don’t have to walk this path alone, and this workbook will be here for you every step of the way.
Take control of your healing process. Order the "How to Grieve" Workbook today, and begin your journey towards healing in a compassionate and supportive environment. Embrace the ups and downs of grief, knowing that they are all part of the healing process.
To get your copy, visit: https://www.sendowl.com/s/workbook/how-to-grieve-workbook-by-tiara-volkmar
About the Author
Tiara is a professional grief counsellor based in Hobart, Tasmania. With years of experience supporting individuals through the difficult journey of loss, Tiara is passionate about supporting others find healing, peace, and resilience after the passing of a loved one.
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